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The Five Guys Cheeseburger, though, with its wan, insipid meat, cooked until every last drop of juice has long passed over to the Other Side, is a rather fatter eight quid. This is a long way from the sort of gritty ordeal you’d find in the local kebab shop. And I’m a sucker for that mess of oozing, seemingly artificial cheese. But the patty is a crushing, monumental disappointment, more protein cipher than prime beef. I leave with a heavy heart. Because something’s been lost in translation.

The Five Guys I’ve eaten in America were good. Nothing approaching the pared-back beauty of In-N-Out. Or the obscene brilliance of the Black Label Burger at Minetta Tavern in New York. Enough to make me want to return. Shake Shack is an ever-expanding New York-based chain owned by the great Danny Meyer, one of the biggest men in Big Apple eating. The cheeseburgers are greasy and slightly sloppy.

The meat dribbles lasciviously and has a soft moo of beefy breath. And the bun is billowy but unpretentious, the perfect home for a well-brought-up patty. It, too, has just arrived on the red-eye from New York, and settled in Covent Garden, no more than a tomato’s hurl from Five Guys. Queues move at a brisk pace, and in a few minutes, having ordered, I find myself armed with an outsized 1980s pager that buzzes when my order is ready. The burger’s a step up from Five Guys, but still a step down from its New York cousin.

The bun billows, and the meat, although overcooked, does at least have some bovine heft. In fact, neither of these much-lauded imports, fluttering in on a wave of plaudits and big talk, are a patch on our own, home-grown burger joints. And I say this not out of some half-witted sense of national pride, not to trigger a flag-fluttering Boston Burger Party, but based on cold, hard fact. When Americans do burgers well, which they generally do, they’re untouchable. In fact, good burgers  are as much a fundamental right over there as free speech.

There is nothing like this Dane! For many years, we endured a British burger wilderness. Hell, 30 years back, the arrival of Five Guys and Shake Shack would have been greeted like an extraterrestrial visitation, with a mixture of fear, fascination and awe. Saturation point has surely been reached. Please, enough of this burger madness already. Cut through the ersatz, bandwagon-riding dross, though, and some stars remain.

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And Bar Boulud, one New York import that never ceases to delight. Restaurants and pop-ups that lavish these sandwiches with the same sort of love and attention that a chef de cuisine once bestowed on his tête de veau. All credit to Byron, as well, which proved that upmarket chains can produce a proper burger, all dribbling juice and decent beef. The irony is that the American imports, fine as they are in their native land, simply don’t quite cut the mustard. The comments below have not been moderated.

We are no longer accepting comments on this article. You could’ve taken it with something other than a 2006 Motorola V3! Poorly’ Queen pulls out of ceremony: After nine appearances in ten days, little wonder she’s so tired! Love Island: He IS my daddy!

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Buy your own slice of Love Island! Has Kendall Jenner already moved in with Ben Simmons? Jack Depp, Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis’s son, was recently rumored to have a “serious health problem”, which prevented Paradis from attending a premiere. Your guide to watch Victoria online — including simple streaming info, cast actors and characters, and best seasons and episodes.

How can you watch Discovery Channel’s ‘Misfit Garage’ live online? Get the live stream details here. Joe Jackson’s Grandchildren: How Many Grandkids Does He Have? Joe Jackson has numerous grandchildren from his 11 kids.

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